I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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