Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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