He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
