just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
