Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
