I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
