so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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