It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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