Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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