she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
