Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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