dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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