i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
