she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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