I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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