shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
