I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
