proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
