no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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