Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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