Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
