I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
