and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
