I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
