every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
