Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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