When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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