remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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