dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
