I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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