my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
