I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
