I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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