I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
