Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
