She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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