note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
