I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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