"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
