I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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