If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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