If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
