my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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