I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
