I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You did what with his pubic hair?
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