im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
