well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
bring money and cleavage
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
