His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
