she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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