You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
